PICK UP THE MOTHER $&#%+>@ BALL!
Thank you for your letter, it is overly welcome during this dark time.
Mother is well and has recovered quite well from the gout she had contracted over the winter months.
As to the central topic of your missive, unfortunately I am unable to assist with this matter as I have been called away to Charleston to garrison at Fort Sumter till the fall.
I have dispatched a telegraph to my able colleague at 2nd base and he assured me that he will be along in due time to rectify the matter in my stead.
Sorry we’re too busy adjusting the sliders so FOTF Ohtani has a slightly glitchier delivery. People simply have too much time to react to his fastball at the moment. We’ll probably slow his curve down to about 63mph as well. We’ll patch fielding later. Probably.
This is definitely insult to injury.... we are already pissed cause he dropped it or wouldn’t get under it.... then the dirty POS takes for ever to pick up the ball, if he does at all.
Though I will say sending him a letter best be in brail, because it’s obvious he’s blind.